When the Gods retreat

I was a member of the Sisterhood of Avalon when the Morrigan arrived at my door. Not so much knocking gently but hammering mercilessly, demanding to be heard. My time with the Sisterhood was coming to an end and I made the decision to accept the Morrigan’s invitation. The work before me was beyond challenging. It was frightening and I spent most of my time up to my eyeballs in shit, for lack of a better term.

I knew better than to formally dedicate myself to her because she is notoriously tough and, as I would soon learn, unforgiving. I was tasked with a pretty major project, requiring a great deal of my time and energy. One afternoon, I was grumbling and acting like a child. I tripped and fell, resulting in an immensely painful hairline fracture. The lesson? Acts of service must be done without complaint.

I returned to Ireland and the cave. I was fully prepared to venture down and deepen my relationship with Herself. Much to my dismay, that was not her plan. I was to wait outside, holding space for those who made the journey within. I asked myself why I was deemed unworthy. What did I do wrong? What didn’t I do right? Her answer was that I was doing the Work that she needed. I was indeed worthy or I would not have been asked to hold space and ensure the well-being of those whose own Work lie within the cave.

One day, not long after my return home, the Morrigan told me that I was to clear off my altar. I assumed this was in preparation for more Work and did as I was told. I waited for further instruction as to where we were going from here. Nothing could have prepared me for her answer. Our work together was done.

Even after two decades, I find my practice as a polytheist to be a delicate balancing act. My time with the Sisterhood helped tremendously, as I worked with 5 Welsh Goddesses for a period of three years. Experiencing the ebb and flow of their presence in my life and as a focal point of my practice was enriching and stabilizing for me. But at no point did I consider that any of them would end our relationship. I foolishly believed that I was at the helm. So when the Morrigan left, I experienced a tremendous sense of loss and overwhelming grief. I couldn’t understand why she would abandon me. I see now that was part of the Work I was meant to do with her. To learn that the Gods are not at our disposal. They are not obligated to us in any way and are free to leave at any point, if that is what is needed.

I realized that this entire experience would not have happened at all if I were not open to it and capable of dealing with it, regardless of the pain it caused. I now understand that the reason the Morrigan had to leave was to make way for someone else, who would build on what we started and change my life in ways I could never have imagined.

Sitting in complete darkness is but one aspect of the dance.

Tiny branch

hanging on by a thread

but hanging on

Oweynagat Cave

She sits facing the mouth of the cave, accepting Her challenge.  She is not afraid.  She feels a deep reverence for Her and the work that is ahead.  She can feel Her.  There is no question She is there.  Even if she hadn't felt Her breath, heard Her whisper, she would have known it.  

You will be cold.  Chilled to the bone.  Brought to the cusp of death, sat at the precipice, pushed to the edge.  You will have to make your way back.  Kicking and screaming, if need be.

She remained there long after The Morrigan had taken Her leave.  Until she saw some movement out of the corner of her eye.  A young boy appeared with a small rabbit.  She rose and quietly approached.  

"Would you like to hold it?", he whispered

"Yes.", she whispered back.

She stood holding the rabbit.  It was warm, cozy, and soft.  Quite the contrast to the encounter with Her, only moments before and yet, somehow fitting.  

Thank you for this gift.

The Hill of Tara

The crows call out to me

“She is here!  She is here!  She is here!”

Not meaning me, of course, but Her.

The one.  Herself.  The Morrigan.

A relationship that I did not seek out

but found me just the same.

An energy so powerful, so ancient

that once sensed it cannot, will not be ignored.

I make my way through the gate, past the graveyard

the energy rising to greet me

Onward to the grassy path

a brief pause, and then I climb

All the while the crows call out

“She is here!  She is here!  She is here!”

I silence my ego

the part of me that will question everything

Casting doubt and throwing shade

destroying the sacred

in favor of insecurity

keeping me stuck

Connecting with the land

and all that occurred

since it all began

I wait

She does not speak,

but rather

introduces Herself

with a nod and a knowing smile

The crows are silenced

welcoming Her into the space

waiting

for Her instructions

She retreats

and

sensing this

they take to the sky

“She is here!  She is here!  She is here!”